Hello, I'm an Idiot Who Thought Vitaminwater Was Healthy

Hello, My name is Dumbass Dela Cruz. I was reading the Huffington's Post today and was completely surprised by this article which said Vitaminwater is not healthy, even though the name of the product has "Vitamin" in it! Help?

I was just sitting down to my morning health food breakfast of low-tar cigarettes and twelve 100-calorie packs of Oreos when I read John Robbins' very popular article in the Hufflepuff Post about "The Dark Side of Vitaminwater." Wha—huh? I stared at the five-gallon jug which I fill with life-extending (I THOUGHT) Vitaminwater. Every day for the last two years I feasted from that very jug via five curly straws until my skin swelled, grew soft and nearly burst with the stuff. I had the vague feeling that my life was about to be changed forever.

So I put my recliner into its "thinking angle." This was going to take all of the reasoning skills which had so impressed the members of my Community College pottery class before I got kicked out for throwing clay. The name of the product is "Vitaminwater". "Vitamin" + "water." Vitamins are healthy. That's just scientific fact, like Intelligent Design and atoms. And water is probably the most healthy thing there is besides snorting line after line of crushed-up Airborne. So… how could vitamins plus water be unhealthy? Well, here's how: There are other things besides vitamins and water in it.

It's OK if you just passed out from shock. That happens to me a lot, especially after finishing one of my Vitaminwater jugs. This is what John Robbins, Esq., PhD., M.D. says in his Mat Hoffman Post article:

the product is basically sugar-water, to which about a penny's worth of synthetic vitamins have been added. And the amount of sugar is not trivial. A bottle of vitaminwater contains 33 grams of sugar, making it more akin to a soft drink than to a healthy beverage.

When I read that, I almost thought about checking the nutrition labels on the empty Vitaminwater bottles in my apartment to see if this was true, but I didn't want to risk toppling the scale model of Versailles I'd constructed of them. How had I missed this "dark side" of Vitaminwater for so long? And then it hit me: Advertising.

"Pacquiao!" I screamed at my Manny Pacquiao cutout. "I trusted you! Why didn't you appear in your ads as a fat, tired man with rotting teeth, a bad heart and a wife who hates your guts, which is what Vitaminwater will really do to you?" Then my heart got tired and I took a nap. Then I woke up from the nap and yelled more at Manny Pacquaio. Then my lungs started burning from yelling so much.

Then my helper woke me up for dinner, and I realized I was in a special home for stupid people.