Will and Dis-Grace: A Contract for the Gay Guy/Straight Girl Friendship

Thanks to make-over shows and reality television, every girl in the planet thinks that they need "a gay." Sorry, ladies, but gay men have no interest in being your pink, glittery accessory. In fact, there are some rules for these relationships.

The latest instance of this behavior to piss us off is Wendy Atterberry pleading for some gay attention on The Frisky. She needs a gay cause she's married now and needs someone who can fix her bad-hair-day hair, make snarky comments about the Oscars, and enjoy long brunches with plenty of gossip! She wants a little, lisping lad to run around screaming bon mots and tossing out fairy dust like Carson Kressley on a meth binge. Sorry, but we are sick of this.

For straight girls to want to find a "gay best friend" is like a white person trying to get "down with the blacks." These ladies want to fall in love with some Platonic ideal of gay friendship where they have some sexless being who caters to their every whim, the court jester to their princess. They fetishize our sexuality and don't see that gay people are actually real, honest individuals, not a set of Madonna-loving stereotypes (though we do love us some Madge). On the flip side there is the "fag hag," a needy-drama laden women who collect gay men and lose themselves in their drama so they don't have to face their sad, lonely lives. The loser in both scenarios is the gay boys.

That's not to say gay men and straight women can't be friends. In fact there are many well-documented cases of it happening, bu t— like any good friendship — it has to be a relationship of equals based on shared interest and affection. Before we can get there, there are some ground rules to get out of the way, ladies.

No Setting Us Up: This is very, very important. Never, ever, try to set us up with another gay. We know that you just want us to be happy and in a relationship and want to show how cool you are that you know other gays, but we're not interested. We can already tell that he's not our type. Like everyone else, gays are very picky and like to find mates on their own. If we meet at your birthday party and hit it off, great, but please don't arrange for an awkward coffee date.

We Don't Want to Go Shopping: Yes, plenty of gay men design women's clothes and many like watching them on the runway (and on Runway) but going with you to a store that has a tiny men's section or no men's clothes at all for the express purpose of telling you if your ass looks fat is not our idea of a good time. Really, what do we get out of this? And if you trust your gay friends to do your shopping, you're going to be in miniskirts and hooker heels every day, and that is just not practical unless you are a Real Housewife or a stripper.

We'll Give You Sex Tips, but No Lady Business: No one knows how to please a man like another man, and we don't mind sharing you all the things we learned in that steam room in Fitness First, but, please, leave your vagina out of it. We don't have them, and we barely know what they look like let alone how to operate one to successful orgasm. These are questions for your lady friends.

Your Boyfriend Drama Bores Us: Men are all about the thrill of the hunt, not about settling down with the pride for a Video City night with wine, candles, and talk about feelings. That is boring. We will help you find a boyfriend, pick out a great spot for first dates, and support you when guys treat you like crap and don't call back. However, once you have a boyfriend, he is yours to deal with. We don't care about petty domestic squabbles or how you wish he would spend less time with the Wii. If it's that bad, just break up with him. We'll help you find another.

We Won't Hit on Your Boyfriend In Front of You: If your gay friend helped you land a boyfriend he is probably attractive, well-employed, and very nice. Also, he is probably down with the gays, which means he won't really care when we flirt with him. Flirting with straight guys is the gay national pastime. It's like baseball, but with even more strike outs. Out of consideration, we will not do this in front of you, but when you leave us talking to him at a party or go to the bathroom at brunch, it's on.

Do Not Come to Our Clubs: A gay bar with too many women—especially the kind of club where frisky things are going on—makes everyone uncomfortable. Also, any gay in a bar with a girl is almost guaranteed not to get laid. When it's a night out at the gay bar, please stay at home. Here are some acceptable girlfriend activities: brunch, romantic comedies, dinner, house parties and mixed events, the theater. We're going to The Cock, let's get you a cab.

You Are Not a Gay Man Trapped in a Woman's Body: You may be fierce, sassy, sleep around, wear crazy outfits, and know the good lines from Pink Flamingos, but you are not a gay man. If you were, you would have a penis and a biological imperative to listen to only female vocalists. Even though you may act like it, please don't ever say it out loud.

Virtual Crush: Snow Villiers of Final Fantasy XIII

 

I do not own a PS3 yet, bu I do have plans in getting one in the near future. I have expressed before one of my personal Virtual Crushes in the form of Resident Evil 5's muscle-bound makeover of Chris Redfield, whose bulging biceps was the piece de resistance, which I indulged myself in official pictures and trailers and not some fan boy erotic art. Next in my Virtual Crushes list definitely adds to my list of reasons I want to buy a PS3.

 

Snow Villiers of the upcoming Final Fantasy XIII. Hunky, sensitive and a mass of fists of a person. In the game he revealed he was engaged to Serah, sister of the main protagonist Lightning, which so happens she doesn't approve. Eventually, the spurned sister and the hunky fiancé work together to save Serah.

Aside from the manly bruising and riding two girls, The Shiva Sisters forming a motorcycle, he shows that being the hurly-burly of fist violence he exhumes sensitivity and compassion to the one he loves, especially Serah. Amidst being hunted down and maltreated by his former employer instead of fighting back he just wants to see his fiancée in one piece.

Well, we have to play the game to find all the details. The game is already out in Japan and the English version will be out by March 2010.

Final Fantasy XIII Website

De-Smell Your Laptop With A USB Scent Flower

Men! Do you smell so bad that even your laptop has started stinking? Desperate times call for desperate measures, which means you might just have to consider this USB scent flower.

As your lookey-holes can see, it's in the shape of a flower, but don't let that put you off. You can't put a price on a harmonious working environment, nor be too picky about aesthetics. Besides, each bouquet—which retails for $9.99—has three refill cartridges which last for months. The USB flowers come in different colors and scents, so every day can be an Ocean Breeze, Purple Lavender, Pink Jasmine or White Chamomile day. Martha Stewart already owns 87 of them, I heard.

[USB scent flower via ChipChick]

 

Around The Nets: Snow Cartoons

 

Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes, always had it out for snowmen, and now a similarly disgruntled soul has realized Calvin's scenes of snowman destruction. This compilation of 38 snowmen nightmares just might bring you a little joy when you're freezing your ass off this winter.

 

[Web Urbanist]

Venezuelan President Says Games Are "Poison"

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is not only a nutty man, he's a nutty man that hates video games. Hates them so much be believes they're "poison".

"Those games they call 'PlayStation' are poison", Chavez (left, in his Brotherhood of NOD costume) said on his weekly show Alo Presidente. "Some games teach you to kill. They once put my face on a game, 'you've got to find Chavez to kill him."

Think he means Mercenaries 2. And he's not done, continuing that games "promote the need for cigarettes, drugs and alcohol so they can sell them.". "They" being capitalist pigs like our good selves. "That's capitalism, the road to hell".

Tinpot dictators (well, he's close enough) say the darnedest things!

Sony's PlayStation is 'poison' to children: Chavez [AP]

First-Person Tetris Might Make You Queasy

I just tried playing Tetris in first-person which probably doesn't play out the way you expect it to.

If you don't get too sick playing first-person games, give it a try. It's free to play in a browser and, aside from potentially making players dizzy also has a night-time mode. Both interesting touches.

Be safe, gamers!

First Person Tetris [Via A Life Well Wasted podcast producer Robert Ashley's Twitter feed.]

The Endless Chocolate Bar Breaker Probably Won't Keep Me Slender

I love that crunch-clink sound a chocolate bar makes when I break it in two before stuffing both halves into my mouth. Thanks to this simulation keychain, I can have that sound without any of the calories. Or the oh-so-yummy-taste.

It's the whole "not real chocolate" part that's getting to me, even if the keychain comes in three flavors—milk chocolate, high-milk chocolate and white chocolate—so I think I'll just get some real chocolate instead. Something with almonds.

If you prefer to pretend breaking chocolate with this trinket though, it will be available in Japan at the end of the month for about $7 per bar.

[Bandai via CrunchGear via Oh Gizmo!]

Famous Knots of the World Illustrated in Earbuds

I can't tie a sheepshank knot off the top of my head, but more than once, I'm pretty sure I've tangled one by accident. (Yes, this is a Ford Sync ad, but it's quite clever.)

[AdsoftheWorld via 9GAG via TheNextWeb]

Metal Gear Movie Probably Not Happening

What seemed like a match made in heaven, Hollywood and Metal Gear Solid, does not look like it was meant to be.

The stealth series, created by game designer Hideo Kojima, was known for its stealth game play and movie style cinematics. Metal Gear Solid looked, if not played, like a motion picture.

These cinematic stylings were no accident — designer Hideo Kojima has cited numerous movies that have influenced the MGS games. When it was announced that a movie version of Metal Gear Solid was in the works, it seemed like a perfect fit.

Initially there were rumors that Christian Bale would be snake, chatter that Snake voice actor and Hollywood scribe David Hayter wanted to do the script and word that Kurt Wimmer, whose directing credits include sci-fi action fodder like Equilibrium and Ultraviolet would be helming the project.

Producer Michael De Luca, whose credits range from the good (Boogie Nights) to the not-so-good (Little Nicky), was spearheading the Hollywood version of the flick. In a recent interview with Collider.com, De Luca describes how the entire project has stalled: I don't think it's going to move forward because I got the sense that there may not be enough of a coordinated will at this point on the side of certain parties to see a movie get made."

According to De Luca, a movie can only hurt a franchise — not necessarily help. If the film is good, then it will sell games. If the film is a stinker, then it tarnishes the franchise's image. It becomes a black eye.

"Video game companies are very protective of their property and there are certain things a studio requires freedom-wise to market and distribute a movie effectively in a global marketplace and sometimes getting those two things to match up is really hard," says the producer. "And in the case of Metal Gear Solid, the agendas just….not because the parties weren't amicable, it was just kind of impossible to get the agendas to match up."

In spring 2008, De Luca spoke at length about the "rich universe" Hideo Kojima created and how cinematic the series is. "Not mess with the DNA of the game but provide a movie that is an adaptation but that has it's own cinematic identity so even if you don't play the game you know, you'll come out of that movie feeling like you did at the end of The Matrix or the end of Robocop," the producer said at the time.

Several sources close to the project have confirmed that the Metal Gear Solid movie isn't happening. The reason, however, seems to be an issue of money. Sony Pictures was willing to finance somewhere between $40 million ~ $80 million for the film; however, Kojima Productions and Konami balked, believing that the figure was not enough to create a proper cinematic version of the game.

By today's standard, the budget would have put Metal Gear Solid at the lower end of the production scale. For comparison's sake, Sony Pictures film Spider-Man 3 had a $300 million budget.

M.I.A. Writes Song Inspired by Three-Hour Verizon Tech Support Call

Lesson to Verizon: Neon-spandexed globe-trotting hip-hop-ish superstars like M.I.A. should not be subjected to three-hour tech support calls, because her resulting song "I'm Down Like Your Internet Connection" is bound to become the new "shake it like a Polaroid picture."

The best part about "I'm Down Like Your Internet Connection," which is due to appear on her forthcoming followup to Kala this summer, is that she actually got Filipino Verizon workers to sing the hook. Says M.I.A.:

I was having issues with my cable and wireless, and I was on the phone [with tech support] for three hours, and I thought, ‘Maybe this needs to be part of my music, could you just learn these lyrics and sing it down the phone to me?' Ten phone calls later, I have Internet that sticks and a song.

Can't. Wait. [Rolling Stone via Twitter]

Android Smartphone Identifies Small Town Dumbrobber

Hey, criminals: what's the first thing you do after breaking and entering? Take a picture of yourself with the victim's phone, right? Well, not when that phone has Lookout, an app that automatically backs up all photos to a server.

A 15-year old male in Wilsonville, OR was arrested last week and charged with first degree burglary after breaking into a home and stealing electronics and personal items. While he was there, though, he took some time out to photograph himself and his accomplice with one of the two Motorola Android phones the owners had left out on the kitchen table. Whoops!

The pictures taken by the phone were sent to the home owner's server that night, giving police enough visual evidence to charge one of the two thieves. His accomplice is still at large, but justice is just one call to Xbox support away.

[Wilsonville Spokesman via Engadget]

 

96-Hour Marathon Allegedly Blinds Chinese Gamer

In the name of science - or because his domestic situation was driving him nuts - a Chinese man played games at a cyber cafe for four straight days. The good news? That will only temporarily blind you.

Unlike porn, which yada yada insert joke here rimshot hey-oooo. Anyway, according to the China Daily, a man of indeterminate age named Xu, of Xining, had been quarreling with his wife and then embarked on an online game marathon at a local cafe. Doctors said Xu complained of losing his vision, but apparently it was only temporary. I'm sure the 96 straight hours without a wink had nothing to do with this, either.

Since this has happened before (also in China), I hope that game makers will add a "don't play this for 96 hours" surgeon general's warning to the "Important Health Warning About Playing Video Games" that no one reads in the front of the manual.

Man Goes Blind Playing Computer Games [Asbury Park Press via Hot Blooded Gaming]

Tennessean Plays GTA for 40 Hours Straight, Pees Three Times

Barely four months after an Indian equity broker logged a world record by playing Grand Theft Auto IV for 40 hours and 20 minutes, a 19-year-old college kid in Tennessee has beaten it.

David Scherer (pictured), an honors student at Austin Peay (student section chant: "Let's Go Peay!" True story.) logged his 40th hour, 21st consecutive minute playing GTA IV at 4:22 a.m. U.S. Eastern today, and according to WTVF-TV of Nashville, was still playing at 6:30 a.m. Scherer proudly noted he had actually completed more of the game than Chirantan Patnaik, 26, and took one less piss break than Patnaik's four. I don't know that I take fewer than three piss breaks in four hours, much less 40.

In Patnaik's favor, he's probably richer. Scherer said his marathon was inspired to raise money for his swim team to build an indoor pool. Maybe he can wager for some of Patnaik's personal equity.

Clarksville Student Breaks Video Game World Record [WTVF-TV via The Kartel; image by WTVF-TV]

Wife or Six-Foot Orc Statue? Warcraft Fan Forced to Choose

The Scottish Sun - "Scottish Newspaper of the Year" mind you - reports that a woman gave her 42-year-old husband an ultimatum: Ditch that six-foot-tall World of Warcraft orc statue, or I move to Canada. Who did he choose?

Surprise! This is actually a story about rational people. He put the orc, which he'd owned for six years, up for adoption. "Dee means more to me, so he had to go," said Robert Cushnie, a 42-year-old telecommunications manager.

Seems Cushnie had acquired the statue when a games store shut down. He married his wife in February, but she, standing 5-3 was mildly repulsed, if not intimidated, by the six-foot orc. The statue is now with an elderly couple, whose 16-year-old granddaughter adores it.

Oh by the way, the Cushnies are still moving to Canada, Dee's country of origin. See? Happily ever after. We can do that here, too.

It's Him Orc Me [The Scottish Sun, via HBG]

[Image via GizmoWatch; it's not the statue in question, but close.]

This Is It, The Michael Jackson PS3 Bundle

This is, ahem, it. Sony Computer Entertainment Japan is releasing a new bundle with the Michael Jackson documentary This Is It.

Don't be that surprised — Sony Pictures is releasing This Is It on Blu-ray and DVD.

Priced at ¥33,500 (US$366), the bundle includes a 120GB Hard Disk Drive "Charcoal Black" PS3, a Blu-ray copy of This Is It, a wireless DUALSHOCK 3, a power cord, one AV cable and one USB cable.

The PS3 bundle will be released in Japan on January 27, the same day the disk version of This Is It documentary goes on sale in The Land of the Rising Sun. The Blu-ray version of the film includes special vignettes of Thriller and Smooth Criminal as well as a special PS3 wallpaper.